#19 Two Cents on: Wisdom
The other day, I listened to TED Radio Hour on Wisdom.
In this podcast, a teenager speaker, on stage, said something like this, “If the only things you ask us are ‘How’s school?’ ‘What did you do today?’, you only understand the tip of an iceberg of us.”
It hit me.
Jason has two children. A school-age boy and a pre-school age daughter. Spending time with them opened a whole new world to me. And today I want to share about the wisdom from young children.
I became their step mother two weeks ago.
When I was younger, I never thought I would have a step mother; I never thought I would be a step mother. When I was younger, step-parents were only the result of bad events — the end of a marriage or the passing of a loved family member.
However, the stepdaughterhood and stepmotherhood have been a fascinating learning journey for me.
My mom passed away in 2011. My dad re-married another great woman, Jing, in 2014. Jing is a diligent, caring and kind person. They love each other, and I am very happy for them. More on that here.
It’s been five years. I am grateful for all that Jing has done with and for our families. I feel tremendously fortunate that my dad has found someone that will love and take care of him when I now live in the US full time.
But I have never called her Mom. In my mind, she is the current wife of my dad. She is not my mom. My mom is my mom. She passed away, but that doesn’t mean the position is open for new candidates.
In significant or insignificant moments of my life, in ups and downs, I often think about what if my mom were still alive, what she would say, how she would feel.
On that note, I am inflexible. I have my discipline on how things should be.
Because of my experience, I had this fear when I decided to be with Jason. The fear that the children will never accept me.
When I first met Jason’s kids, I was fascinated by how adaptable they are. The first time I met them, they hugged me and said hello, they couldn’t stop playing snowball with me in the park; they invited me to sit in between their two kids safety seats; they gave me chocolate covered marshmallow before we said goodbye.
Just as I was doubting whether they know the truth all the way, the boy asked me, happily and innocently, “Will you be dad’s future wife?”
Just as I was doubting whether it’s an initial honeymoon before they actually realize what it means, we spent the second weekend together, and the third and the fourth, things only get better: They felt more comfortable spending 1–1 time with me while Jason could do that with another kid; they know me a little more and started to ask questions about me, my childhood, and how things are like in where I am from; they asked if they could wear my pajamas and if they could call me stepmom now.
The two children almost makes me feel ashamed about how I react and behave to the situation of my dad’s remarriage.
The two children didn’t know it’s wisdom. They didn’t say it. They showed it to me: Accept. Love what you have. Make the most out of it.
To them, there is not a certain way that life should be. Life is full of possibilities. This version of life, it could be “Dad lives with another woman now and that’s sad.” It could also be “We have another person to play with now! and buy us mac-and-cheese and chocolate croissants and Ben & Jerry’s ohhhhh!”
It reminds me what a mentor has told me:
“The quality of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. Your world is not out there. Your world is all in your head.”
The two young children just showed me how that wisdom works in real life, and how I am doing the stepdaughterhood wrong.
Thank you for reading!